


from the bottom of my lungs.

by capableemark



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Non-Famous, Bad English, Hanahaki Disease, M/M, One-Sided Mark Lee/Wong Yuk Hei | Lucas, confusing plot i'm sorry, lee taeyong is like a playboy idk, mark lee is a pabo, the overuse of words "look" "feel" and other words
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-03
Updated: 2018-12-03
Packaged: 2019-09-06 06:12:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,957
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16826776
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/capableemark/pseuds/capableemark
Summary: !lowercase!he knows it will definitely happen– sooner or later.but he never expects it to be this painful.





	from the bottom of my lungs.

**Author's Note:**

> also posted in my wattpad, with some edits.
> 
> english is not my first language, and i'm kind of a beginner, so please be kind to me :)
> 
> sorry for the typos and grammatical errors

> 𝘱𝘦𝘰𝘱𝘭𝘦 𝘴𝘢𝘺 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦 𝘪𝘴 𝘣𝘦𝘢𝘶𝘵𝘪𝘧𝘶𝘭.
> 
> 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘢 𝘧𝘭𝘰𝘸𝘦𝘳, 𝘤𝘢𝘱𝘵𝘪𝘷𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘭.
> 
> 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦 𝘪𝘴 𝘪𝘯𝘥𝘦𝘦𝘥, 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘢 𝘧𝘭𝘰𝘸𝘦𝘳.
> 
> 𝘣𝘦𝘢𝘶𝘵𝘪𝘧𝘶𝘭 𝘪𝘯 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺 𝘸𝘢𝘺, 𝘣𝘦 𝘪𝘵 𝘪𝘯 𝘱𝘢𝘪𝘯 𝘰𝘳 𝘪𝘯 𝘩𝘢𝘱𝘱𝘪𝘯𝘦𝘴𝘴.
> 
> 𝘪 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘩𝘰𝘸 𝘪𝘵 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭𝘴 𝘵𝘰 𝘣𝘦 𝘪𝘯 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦, 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘶𝘯𝘳𝘦𝘲𝘶𝘪𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘰𝘯𝘦, 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵'𝘴 𝘪𝘵.
> 
> 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘢 𝘧𝘭𝘰𝘸𝘦𝘳 𝘨𝘳𝘰𝘸𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘪𝘯𝘴𝘪𝘥𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘭𝘶𝘯𝘨𝘴, 𝘣𝘦𝘢𝘶𝘵𝘪𝘧𝘶𝘭 𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘥𝘦𝘢𝘥𝘭𝘺.
> 
> 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘳𝘰𝘰𝘵𝘴 𝘴𝘪𝘯𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘥𝘦𝘦𝘱, 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘳𝘯𝘴 𝘵𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘮 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘪𝘯𝘴𝘪𝘥𝘦.
> 
> 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘤𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘣𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘩 𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘰𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘭𝘶𝘯𝘨𝘴, 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘷𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘣𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘩𝘭𝘦𝘴𝘴.
> 
> 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦 𝘪𝘴 𝘪𝘯𝘥𝘦𝘦𝘥, 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘢 𝘧𝘭𝘰𝘸𝘦𝘳.
> 
> 𝘢 𝘧𝘭𝘰𝘸𝘦𝘳 𝘸𝘩𝘪𝘤𝘩 𝘨𝘳𝘰𝘸𝘴 𝘪𝘯𝘴𝘪𝘥𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶, 𝘱𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘢𝘯𝘵𝘭𝘺 𝘣𝘦𝘢𝘶𝘵𝘪𝘧𝘶𝘭, 𝘮𝘢𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘪𝘵 𝘩𝘢𝘳𝘥𝘦𝘳 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘵𝘰 𝘣𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘩𝘦.

❀ ✿ ❀

he knows it will definitely happen– sooner or later.

the pleasant feeling coursing through his veins, the butterflies deep in his stomach, the fast beating of his hearts. the happiness he always feels when he's near _that person_ , and the sorrow he feels when they're far apart.

oh, of course he knows what his feelings are called.

_love_.

he, the ever so unromantic mark lee, is falling in love with an unrealistically ethereal human being named _lee taeyong_.

too bad, it is nearly impossible for taeyong to reciprocate his feelings. after all, unlike mark, taeyong is that flawless man everyone looks up to. he's the epitome of perfection; either it's his beautifully sculpted figure– enchanting eyes, perfectly shaped nose, pretty lips, strong and sharp jaws, broad shoulders, and built physique– or his positive personalities. mark is just a nineteen years old skinny boy with high cheekbones, average-looking face, and air of awkwardness around him. he's only a boy with laughters which are way too loud, unfunny jokes, and flaws too many and too visible to be unnoticed.

which is why he's not entirely shocked when he sees it.

there, on the other side of the deserted school's hall, stands lee taeyong with a petite and cute girl, kissing and laughing together. they don't look like they're afraid of getting caught, since the majority of students have already gone home about two hours ago. they look so happy, pecking each other's lips, whispering and giggling.

mark is not entirely shocked to see it, but that doesn't mean his heart doesn't clench painfully.

he turns back, walking fast, and suddenly, he's running. he doesn't know where his feet bring him, but as long as he doesn't see the pair, he will be fine. people keep looking at him weirdly, but he doesn't care. not when his heart is in pain and his eyes are burning from the tears.

it turns out that his feet bring him to his favorite place to be alone, a quiet and unused park with wide forestry area. he walks inside the forest and goes to the hidden clearings, a place he always goes to when he's sad, stressed, or just when he wants to think in peace.

there, he scoots down, touching his cheeks when he feels something wet rolling down. his tears. he's crying, but he doesn't want to think of taeyong as the cause. it's not fair, why does he have to cry for taeyong when taeyong himself doesn't even know him? part of him wants to laugh at himself for being a fool, but other part of him tells that it's okay to cry for taeyong. he sobs, the tears getting uncontrollable. everything becomes really painful, and his breath shortens.

he knows it will happen, sooner or later.

but he doesn't know it will be this painful.

the heartbreak, the heavy feeling inside his chest. his head is a jumbled mess, even more his heart. he just wants to get far away from him. far, far away, so that this feeling of unrequited love will never return. he's such a coward, a foolish boy who can only watch from afar. silently hoping that one day, the love of his life will look back and notice him. praying every night for that moment to happen.

he can imagine the disappointed shakes of his best friends' heads and their desperate attempts to stop his feelings from growing more. he can see all the disapproving and pitying looks his hyungs sent to his way whenever they thought he wasn't looking in his head. he's aware of how he is in other people's eyes. a boy with hope as high as the stars in the sky and with aspiration so impossible it seems like a dream.

and yeah, what they're thinking are probably true.

he knows he will get the consequences of unrequited love; but never in a million years he thought it would be in this kind of form. painful but beautiful form.

the next morning after he saw taeyong kissed _that_ girl, he wakes up to a strange tickling sensation in his throat, and it feels like it's clogged by something. he has the urge to cough harshly, to relieve the uncomfortable feelings. but he decides against it in the last minutes.

youngho and donghyuck are there, sleeping in separate guest rooms inside his apartment. it's one of their habits– as best friends, to sleep over one of their apartments every second week. unfortunately, this month's sleepover is scheduled in his apartments.

it's not like he hates sleepover, no. in fact, he absolutely supports it; but that month has been kind of hard for him. he doesn't want to burden anyone by being sad and heartbroken, especially when he's sick– if the annoyingly itchy sensation at the back of his throat is really a flu.

another tickling, but it's worse than before. he can't contain this one, but at least he will try to make it as soundless as possible.

once he opens his mouth, the cough tumbles out harsh and unforgiving, and it makes him shocked. he tries to smother it a little, but it only get worse. one of the hands he uses to cover his mouth flies to his chest, gripping the fabric of his clothes. he doesn't know how long he coughs. all he knows, is that his throat is raw and burning, and he feels dizzy. something comes out of his mouth from his lungs and lands in his tongue.

the coughs subsides, but the hot pain inside his chests doesn't. he breathes heavily, and he spits our the foreign thing on his tongue. something white comes out of his mouth, and it honestly makes him a little bit terrified. this doesn't seem right.

he opens up his closed palm only to find a pretty, white rose petal. it is pretty, and mark would be really happy seeing one in the middle of this freezing winter if it doesn't come out from his lungs. he's definitely aware of this _something_ that happens to him, this _disease_. he's familiar with this. he has seen it everywhere in the internet, he has read it in books, but he never thinks it actually exists. _hell_ , no one actually thinks that this disease exists!

_hanahaki disease_ , a widely popular _fictional disease_. well, it was fictional too for him, up until now. hanahaki only happened to people with one-sided love. a flower grew inside the sufferer's lungs, taking up spaces for oxygen and killing them slowly. soon, the sufferer would die either from suffocation or from the dysfunctional lungs.

sure, it has some cures. but it's too risky. hanahaki could only be cured when the one who the sufferer loves returns their feelings or by surgery. the first option is kind of unlikely to happen, really. after all, people couldn't just fall in love _that quick_ , right? especially taeyong. the possibility is that probably he doesn't even know mark exists. he also looks straight, and presumably dating that girl he kissed. only a 0.1% chance or taeyong to fall for him.

the first option is hardly going to happen, for sure.

that leaves him with the second option. he needs to surgically remove the flower. but that also means spending money he never has and removing his feelings for taeyong. to be honest, the idea of not having feelings for taeyong really scares him to death. he can't imagine his life without loving taeyong. call him stupid, call him a dumb fool, call him crazy. he won't budge, he will try to keep his feelings for taeyong even though he dies in the process. he still has that 0.1 percent, right?

for now, he will try to be optimistic and hold on to that 0.1 percent.

✿ ❀ ✿

lee taeyong knows he's handsome and desired by many. he also knows everyone thinks he's perfect. the fact? he's not how everyone thinks he is. he is not perfect, not now, and never will be. he has flaws, and he has failures. he is far from perfect, but the expectations and the demanding glares his parents always send to him are enough to make him keeps his mouth shut and just works harder.

he eventually gets tired of it all. one day, he decided to just ditch his study and went out. the adrenaline, the wariness, it all makes him addicted to breaking some rules. he started to date so many girls and boys, just to irk his parents out. a revenge for his restrained life.

then, he meets that boy. that delicate and sweet boy whom everyone loves and dotes on.

_it was a hot summer. taeyong walked through the crowded halls with a small bouquet of colorful roses in his grip. everyone stares at his way, hoping that they would be the one who received those beautiful roses. too bad, he would only give it to his current girlfriend, Yeri._

_it was a peaceful walk, in spite of the crowded hall and hushed whispers. but then, a strong force in shape of a young boy hit his abdomen, staggering his body and almost leaving him with a bruised back from falling on the floor. despite being the one who hit him at the very first place, the boy was the one who landed on his butt. a loud yelp resonated through the suddenly silent hall. everyone stared at them with wide eyes, all holding their breaths._

_"hey, are you okay?"_

_taeyong knelt down beside the boy, his eyes scanned through the boy's wellbeing, searching for any damage. huh. he looked younger than him, judging from the soft and childlike features the boy have. taeyong felt his heart does some questionable flips when he saw the boy's face clearly. round, dark-chocolate coloured eyes framed by round spectacles are the first thing he noticed, followed by seagull-like eyebrows and high cheekbones. he looked attractive, cute. and it seemed like he was new; his trembling eyes and tense body indicated his nervousness._

_eyes were staring a a few seconds too long at the boy from head to toe– stripping him bare inside their heads, and mouths were hanging open. taeyong understood why the hall was filled with murmurs of awe and praises all of a sudden. there is something about this boy; something alluring and enchanting, leaving them wanting to know more and more about him._

_"i'm sorry, let me bring you to the infirmary."_

_"it's– it's okay! i will just go to the headmaster's office, i guess."_

_"ah, but your knees are scraped, and it's bleeding a little."_

_the boy looked down his knees, his eyes widened in surprise when he saw that his knees were indeed bleeding. taeyong insisted on taking him to infirmary again, and fortunately, the boy agreed._

_that day, instead of meeting with his girlfriend and giving her flowers, taeyong spent his day accompanying the boy. he learned that his name is mark lee, he moved from canada just a week before, and was fluent in korean because his mother had taught him since he was seven. he learned that mark really loved watermelon, didn't like green tea, had a bad habit of biting his fingernails, played guitar in his free times, and loved to rap. he learned so much about mark in one day, much more than he learned about his girlfriend in one month._

_"thank you so much for accompanying me here, taeyong-ssi. sorry for bumping into you and ruining your plans today."_

_that time, taeyong really didn't mind it. he didn't feel angry or annoyed. he felt genuinely happy, and he didn't regret every second of it. he smiled and ruffled the younger's head affectionately._

_"it's all good, mark. i hope we get to talk again in near future. i should hurry back to class. see you!"_

_taeyong ran from the infirmary, trying to get to his class on time. unknowingly to mark, he left a note on top of a table near mark's bed, with a single white-colored rose beside it. he didn't know why he did that, it was all just a spur of a moment thing, but he couldn't say he regretted doing that._

it's scary how fast he got so fond of mark that time. the boy is like a magnet, pulling him closer each time. and taeyong doesn't even resist the pull; he _embraces_ it gleefully. he willingly lets himself be dragged closer, never putting up a fight. terrifying to know that a boy younger than him has such a great power; to have taeyong in the palm of his hand voluntarily.

taeyong still dates girls, to keep his parents from getting his head, but his love is not for them. taeyong himself doesn't know where his heart lies, so it's kind of complicated. but he never really pays any mind over it. as long as his parents stop nagging at him about things like getting a fiancée or getting married with his father's work-partner's daughter, he should be fine.

as long as he has his freedom, he won't care about love and relationships yet.

❀ ✿ ❀

mark is supposed to be _fine_.

but the flower which grows inside his lungs makes him not fine.

if the last time he only coughed up a single or two petals from his lungs, now, it all increases in number. the petals literally scatters around him everytime he coughs; the view is beautiful and pleasant, but the pain that grows inside his chests is ugly and unpleasant. sometimes, he wakes up with petals all around his red sheet. it looks aesthetically pleasing, and it smells good, sweet and flowery, but the gasping breaths he always takes every morning is very alarming. he is glad he doesn't die first because one of the petals got stuck inside his breathing pipe, really.

it is getting harder to breathe, his lungs feel heavy, and the pain from growing roots often attacks his senses, enough to make him curl to himself in intense pain. his friends are getting suspicious, and mark can't pretend he ate some bad foods anymore since donghyuck declared to bring mark his own homemade lunch the third time mark used that excuse. he tries his best to get away from the confrontations, but he can only do much to run away.

so here he is, trapped in an empty class with four from eleven of his friends. he was dragged harshly by donghyuck, and was forced to skip class by youngho, doyoung, and renjun. honestly, he feels just a tad bit betrayed by how they gang up on him. but then he realizes that they are doing this out of concern, and his heart warms up.

"mind telling us what's wrong with you, canada? seems like you have something important you haven't told us yet."

donghyuck's face are void of any emotions, but his eyes tell otherwise. worry, concern, and a bit of fear are swirling around that deep brown eyes. the others are no different. they try to keep their face straight, but their eyes can't lie. they're worried for him.

he is helpless now. he really wants to tell them the truth, about his feelings for taeyong and the disease he gets from it. but a nagging voice inside his head scolds him, telling him it would only burden his friends more. he doesn't want to be a burden, so should he just keep his mouth shut?

"i'm okay, _always okay_. do you all drag me here only to ask if i'm okay? aw, come on, guys! this hour's subject is english, my favorite!"

he tries to lighten up the tense atmosphere by whining with his funny face. usually, that works. but today, it doesn't seem like it. doyoung sighs, his forefinger and thumb rubbing the bridge of his nose, signaling that he is now frustrated beyond belief. he frowns, teeth gritting and face hard.

"don't pull that _i'm always okay_ bullshit, _lee minhyung_. we know for sure that you're not okay. you think we don't see your face contorting in pain every now and then, you think we don't realize how many times you cough a day, you think we will buy your bullshit about being okay?!"

doyoung raised his voice, frustration and stress bleeds through his rant. he appears to be tired, the lines on his face seems too deep for someone his age, and eye bags rest under his eyes, black and heavy. and mark feels bad; _he really is_ , but if he tells the truth, those lines and eye bags will just get worse.

"we're your best friends, aren't we? then why don't we feel like you don't think of us as that? we told you about ourselves, so please tell us about yourself, too."

it's as of an arrow has went straight to his heart, tearing him inside out. doyoung is right, mark admits that. but he's not ready to open up yet, he's still not sure whether he will burden them by telling them or not. is it really okay to be selfish?

"I don't want to burden you guys with my issues. all of you have your own problems, if i told you won't it only add yours?"

"but that's what friends are for, mark. we share _our pains_ , we share _our problems_. it's to alleviate our problems. we can't do it alone, so we share it to solve it together."

mark can only stare at his shoes. will it really be okay if he tells them the truth? he can't make them worried, but his silence and nonchalance make them worry more.

"promise me you won't lash out or be panicked?"

"now you _are_ scaring us, mark. just tell us what happen to you."

"no, promise me first."

the three of them sigh, the uneasiness and anxiety in mark's face is making them jittery. doyoung grits his teeth, face hard and unreadable.

"we promised, now tell us—"

"i love _the_ lee taeyong but it's only one-sided. i guess?"

youngho frowns, donghyuck sighs, and doyoung groans. mark wants to add the informations about him getting hanahaki because of _it_ , but donghyuck interrupts him.

"it's only because of _that_?! i thought it was something worse like you getting a _deadly disease_ or something– not that i hope you get that, but still! why do you have to look like you're in pain if the problem is just that, mark?! you scared us _half to death_ , you know that?!"

mark gulps, donghyuck's guess is just that close to be the right reason. he takes a deep breath, trying to find a way to tell them the big news so they won't freak out.

"that's– uh, that's kinda correct? the deadly disease one, i mean?"

silence fills the air, the atmosphere getting more and more suffocating. his friends only stare at him with bulging eyes, trying to see whether mark is only joking or is saying the truth. but no, he is nervous, but his face still holds the serious expression.

"you– you're joking right? _mark freaking lee_ , that is not funny _at all_. I thought your sense of humor is better than that, but once again you prove me wrong by joking like that—"

"i'm not joking, hyuck. i got hanahaki, the disease where flower grows inside your lungs? the flower has been here in my lungs for three weeks now, hyuck. it's getting harder to breathe and i would feel the urge to cough harshly whenever i see taeyong, or just hearing his name."

realization dawns in them, and their complexions gradually start to pale. with shaky hands, youngho cups his face, eyes searching for any traces of humor. when he realizes mark is indeed saying the truth, he collapses, hands trying to support his body by holding onto the wall. doyoung's eyes start to mist, and donghyuck's lips are trembling.

mark sighs heavily. this is why he's so adamant on not telling them. he knows how they will react, he knows the news are going to leave them shocked.

"you– how– isn't that disease supposed to be _fictional_?"

mark shrugs, his eyes downcast and he looks exhausted, with shrunken cheeks and eye bags under his eyes. now, some of his friends know. after this, he's sure that everyone close to him will know, sooner or later. he just hopes that the news won't reach his parents.

"um, just, don't tell my parents? i know it's not right to keep it a secret from them, but i'm not ready to be in a surgery yet."

"i know you aren't _not ready_ for the surgery. you just _don't want_ to remove your feelings for him."

doyoung says it like he's stating a fact and that is true. what he said is literally mark's reason. the three of them look at him with fear and guilt in their eyes, but mark only smiles. not the kind of happy smile, but the bitter but understanding one. he's not bitter to his friends, he's just angry to himself. why does he have to let his feelings for taeyong grows into love? it could be prevented if he stopped the escalation of his feelings earlier, yet he didn't do anything.

he is such a fool, but he feels like it's okay that way.

✿ ❀ ✿

in no time, all eleven of his friends know.

the sad and lost looks are now frequently sent to his way, and it makes mark feels a little bit guiltier. was it a good choice for him to tell them four days ago? his coughs are getting out of hands, too. the petals he coughs up grows in number, and it also gets more and more painful each time.

the first time his friends saw it, they were really terrified and panicked. some of them tears up, some can only look at him helplessly, but all of them are helping him in their own ways. he feels bad for chenle. the boy is really young, two years younger than him. he didn't really intend to make the younger saw him in his vulnerable state.

_it happened accidentally, winwin was holding his head and taeil was rubbing his back. the flower petals are scattered all around the bathroom floor, as beautiful as ever._

_"h– hyung? what..?"_

_mark panicked right after he heard the boy's shaky exhale. he panted and swallowed the mixture of saliva and petals in his mouth, breathing labored while he kept trying to keep all the flower petals from coming out just for the younger's sake. he lifted his head, and despite his vision was blurry from the tears and spits were running down his chin, he smiled what he hoped to be a comforting smile to the boy. when he saw tears gathering in the younger's eyes, he tried to laugh it all off, to calm the younger down._

_"ch– chenle, i'm sorry, but hyung's still kind of busy here. would you– would you mind coming to me after I look presentable enough?"_

_"...hyung, i—"_

_chenle broke down, his sobs and hiccups filled the bathroom. winwin and taeil couldn't even look at them. their eyes were also misty, but they tried to suck it up. mark stared at chenle, a soft smile decorated his paling face. he tugged on winwin's sleeve, catching the older's attention._

_"hyung, could you please bring him outside and calm him down? i can't– i can't hold it any longer."_

_winwin held chenle's hand, leading him downstairs, maybe to the kitchen to give him some water. after he was sure chenle couldn't hear him, petals are spluttered out of his mouth, making him heave. once again, the petals flew all over the toilet bowl, and overly-sweet scent of flower spread through the bathroom._

_some more minutes, and mark felt a little better. the inside of his chest– where his lungs are, stung a little, maybe because of the thorns of the roses. but overall, he was good, not really fine but he would make it. he washed his face, changed his clothes, and went downstairs to meet his youngest friend. there, chenle was sniffling, face all red and snooty. mark smiled fondly, his eyes trained to the boy. but suddenly, he felt lightheaded, and if taeil wasn't there right behind him, he would've been falling down the stairs busting his head open._

_"mark!"_

_taeil's shocked shout surprised both winwin and chenle, their heads turn to mark with worried gazes. mark held onto the handrails, his vision was spotty and swimming. he unconsciously leaned towards taeil._

_"i'm okay, i'm okay. just a little bit dizzy, not a big deal."_

_he straightened up and walked down the stairs carefully. Chenle was still looking at him with concerned gaze, tears still gathering at the corner of his eyes. mark ruffled the younger's hair fondly, out of habit. he took in the younger boy's swollen eyes, shining with unshed tears. his red nose, pink cheeks, and hitching breaths. the boy he always treats like his younger brother he never has, was crying because of him. he would be lying if he said his heart didn't crack and he didn't feel guilty. mark stroked his back, hoping that his small gestures would reduce the shake of the boy's shoulders._

_"don't cry. i'm okay."_

_chenle cried harder, his tears fell down continuously, wetting his shirt and shorts. he scrambled closer to mark, hugging him tight, as if mark would disappear if he let go. mark patted his back, trying to comfort his favorite dongsaeng. his heart squeezed, he felt terrible for causing pain and making everyone sad._

_"can't you– can't you just get the surgery, hyung? i know it's expensive and we don't have enough money for that, but we can do part-time jobs and save the money for you! you won't be hurt anymore! please, hyung?"_

_mark smiled sadly while shaking his head. he combed chenle's soft hair, and the other hand he used to wipe the stray tears on his chubby cheeks. they started at each others for a few seconds, then mark pulled him in a hug, a warm and comforting hug._

_"instead of using that for me, we can use that for your study and your needs, chenle. you're still young, you have so many things ahead. please, promise me you will make us proud by doing everything that you love?"_

_"i don't want that. hyung, i just want you to be with me, all healthy with no diseases or pains. please, be selfish just for once, hyung! it's not wrong to be selfish once in a while."_

_mark kept being silent, he felt drained, exhausted. chenle has said the truth. it is okay to be selfish once in a while, but he was already being selfish enough. he weren't ready- no, he didn't want to remove his feelings for taeyong yet, and that is so selfish of him._

_"i don't know, chenle. i don't know."_

❀ ✿ ❀

another boy comes into his life, trying to take his mind away from taeyong.

wong yukhei is his name.

he's friends with taeyong, they often goes to arcade together with their other friends, or just spend some time together in general. the thing is, they are polar opposites, like fire and ice. they catch mark's attention in their own way, and they make mark reacts in a different way, too.

taeyong is cold and quiet, with sharp eyes and intimidating face. powerful aura surrounds him, and his tongue cuts so deep, like a knife. he's all cold uninterested gaze, with some playboy qualities. he looks untouchable, ethereal, out of this world, with his perfectly handsome face and charming features.

yukhei is different from taeyong. if taeyong is cold, yukhei is warm. if taeyong is quiet, yukhei is loud. he's the complete opposite of taeyong. the only similarity they share is the playboy qualities they have.

yukhei is all wide smiles and glinting mischievous eyes, with friendly air surrounding him, making him approachable and seemingly more down to earth. he's all funny jokes and boisterous laughs. his big eyes are always playful, and his tongue always spits out some clever jokes and funny retorts. he's attractive, with his intense eyes and full lips and good sense of humor.

yukhei comes in his life like loud thunder in the middle of a bright, cloudless, crystal-clear blue sky. unexpected, leaving him confused and _lost_. and yukhei also knows his secret. he forces his way into mark's life, making up a space for himself in mark's heart.

it seems like mark's life is full of surprises and accidents nowadays. first it was donghyuck, youngho, doyoung, and renjun. then his other friends, and chenle. and now, it's yukhei.

_yukhei followed him at school– out of curiosity on why mark always seemed to go back and forth to the toilet– up until he went to one of the toilet's stalls. there, he heard painful retching sounds echoing through the empty toilet. he approached the only closed stall there, growing worried as the time went by._

_mark was crouching while gripping a toilet bowl inside one of the stalls. he heaved pretty crimson petals into the toilet, flushed them, then heaved again. the pain was getting kind of unbearable, and he couldn't even study properly. he took a deep breaths, preparing himself for the next waves of nausea and pain._

_by the time he heaved for the third time, yukhei kicked the door open, shocking both of them by the loudness. they opened their mouth together, mark was planning to scold the taller boy, and yukhei probably was planning to apologize. but then, the constricting in his lungs and the unbearable pain came back again, making him heave for the fourth time since this afternoon. beautiful, white rose petals are strewn all over the floor, filling the tense air with flowery fragrance. yukhei froze, eyes going wide and mouth hanging open. colors are drained from his face, and he unconsciously took some steps backwards. mark could only gasp, his body curling in pain and one flower petal stuck on his upper lip. mark heard yukhei, he heard the thudding sound of his knees hitting the tiled floor followed by his harsh inhale. he expected yukhei to react worse, actually._

_but he didn't expect the tight back hug given by the shaking boy behind him. he didn't expect the soothing glides of wide palms on his chests and stomach, and he didn't expect the sweet nothings whispered into his ears. he didn't expect any kind of comforting gestures from a boy he barely knew. but instead of feeling creeped out, he felt calm. the caresses also calmed the excruciating pain he just went through._

_"...who is it?"_

_"pardon?"_

_mark could feel the arms tightened around him, and a shaky inhale was taken right beside his ear. now, the situation was awkward. he only knew the boy's name– yukhei, but they didn't even talk before this happened. also, the topic of this disease was a bit sensitive for mark, so he was a bit uncomfortable being asked that. after all, it was a kind of personal question. it was as if the taller boy asked him who his crush is._

_"i'm sorry if i seem like i'm being overly friendly although we've only just met. i just– i just want to help you."_

_"ah—"_

_"i kinda have a crush on you...?"_

_well, that was so straightforward and honest._

_no one had ever confessed to him before, so it only added the air of awkwardness surrounding them. mark could actually feel the tip of his ears getting warmer, as well as his cheeks. for sure, his face was red. not to mention, yukhei still hasn't released his hold around mark's waist._

_"uh, could you release me?"_

_yukhei stilled for a few moments, then he pulled his hands away as if he just burned his hands. mark didn't need to turn his head to know that his face had changed color, too. they stayed there, sitting on top of the cold floor, all silent and beyond embarrassed._

_"can– can i be, i don't know, your friend maybe? i swear it's not to change your feelings! i just want to get closer to you."_

_yukhei flailed his hands around, then accidentally hit the porcelain toilet bowl, making him yelp. his face gradually turned redder, and mark couldn't contain the rumbling of his laughter from spilling out anymore. he giggled, despite the constant pain inside his lungs, a genuine hearty laugh and scrunched up face. it worked like magic. the flustered yukhei joined on laughing after a while, then when they stopped, the tension around the air has reduced into comfortable silence. mark wheezed, still a little bit unable to control his laugh, while yukhei stared at him with such intensity and fondness in his eyes._

_mark smiled to yukhei for the very first time since their meeting there, a small unassuming smile which turned his eyes into crescents and showed the dimples on his cheeks._

_"yes, you can, yukhei."_

_yukhei stopped breathing for a few seconds, then his face morphed into extreme happiness, mouth smiling wide, showing his teeth. his eyes glinted, excitement and pure joy swirling in his eyes, together with other emotions mark couldn't know. yukhei reached for his hands and squeezed it, eyes looking straight into mark's eyes._

_"thank you, mark. i promise i will not disappoint you or make you cry."_

fortunately, yukhei keeps his promise. he checks up on mark, he protects mark's feelings, he showers him with unending affections and kindnesses. over all, he takes care of mark real good. but it makes mark feels guilty. he definitely remembers how yukhei confessed to him on that toilet floor. he is thankful knowing that someone actually likes him that way. he doesn't want to hurt yukhei's heart by giving him false hope, so that day after school, he asks yukhei to go to the rooftop with him, claiming they has something to talk about.

"yukhei, i'm sorry."

yukhei stares at him, understanding dawns in his face. he stares at mark with the same intensity, the same burning passion in his eyes. he takes some steps closer– forcing mark to take some steps backwards to keep their distance, until he cages mark between the wall behind him and yukhei's bigger body. he gazes longingly, eyes so intense it leaves mark breathless. the gaze travels lower, landing on his lips. his right hand reaches the tempting pink lips, delicately rubbing it in a feather-light touch. yukhei's face moves closer, mark can feel his minty breath fanning over his nose and lips.

"i will still try to steal your heart, mark. no matter what it takes."

yukhei whispers, voice two octaves lower and left hand circling his waist, pulling mark closer. mark widens his eyes, cheeks burning and ears red. they stayed that way, staring into each other's eyes. then yukhei's face moves even closer, and mark closes his eyes tight, nervousness thrumming in his veins.

"what are you doing?!"

suddenly, yukhei is ripped apart and pushed away from mark, and mark is in the hold of someone else. someone with the smell of peppermint, someone with a voice oh so familiar for mark. mark turns his head and raises it, and there he is.

_lee taeyong._

the man of his dreams, the crush he desperately wants to kiss, the one who causes mark to get _the disease_ for the very first place. abruptly, the petals clog his breathing pipe, going straight up to his mouth. he swallows the bitterness of the petals, and tastes a tang of iron on his tongue.

he can only hope it's not what he thinks it is.

yukhei seems to catch his distress, and realization replaces his shocked expressions. he grits his teeth, face hardens and eyes glaring holes into taeyong's head. mark has never seen yukhei like that; face devoid of any emotions other than rage.

"it's _him_ , isn't it? the one who causes you such a painful experience, the one who makes you suffer?"

taeyong seems confused, and mark can't look at him anymore. the petals keep clogging up, and the urge to cough gets bigger. he hopes they will stop the fight, or just fight somewhere else, without mark. he needs to go, needs to clear up his throat from all the petals, needs to see whether there are bloodstains on each of the petals. he clears his throat, catching both of yukhei and taeyong's attentions. mark tries to open his mouth, but he feels like throwing up when he does, so he only stares helplessly at yukhei's direction. yukhei nods in understanding.

but before yukhei can say anything, the bells ring, indicating that they need to go to the class. mark releases the breaths he unknowingly held, but that also means coughing up a little. he covers his mouth and swallows the majority of the petals- again. but he also spits a little, and what he sees is exactly what he's afraid of.

there, lays innocently on top of his palm, _a white rose petal stained with the red of his blood_.

✿ ❀ ✿

at the end, yukhei knows who causes mark to have the hanahaki, and since then, he makes sure taeyong won't get near mark. he pulled mark away from the direction where taeyong walked, he took mark's attention when taeyong was near, he even cancelled their study sessions when taeyong was in library.

but that doesn't stop the flower to grow inside mark's lungs.

if possible, the flower only grows more, filling the spaces inside. his lungs feel heavier each days, and the petals he coughs out are decorated with his blood. all of his friends are getting more concerned, checking up on him every day and trying to persuade him to get the surgery.

"if you don't want to get the surgery, at least try confessing to him, mark."

kun opens up his mouth for the very first time since he knew about the disease that morning. he must be looking worse, all pale and sickly, if kun tries to talk it through with him. after all, kun never deems it right to just meddle into someone's problem if it's not really bad.

"confess to who?"

kun raises his eyebrows, face unamused. it's not really a secret anymore between their circle of friends, that taeyong is mark's crush. and of course, yukhei was the last one to know about it. he smiles bitterly, hands playing with the hem of his shirt. _if only it is that easy to confess to his crush..._ kun stares at him then sighs heavily, body moving to sit next to mark in his huge sofa they placed in the middle of the room. his hand reaches mark's, and he traces random shapes on the back of his hand.

"you know we all can help you confessing to taeyong. we can also help you kick his butt if he makes you cry. we are here for you, bud. always, no joke. taeyong can go _fuck_ himself if he turns out to be an asshole."

mark gapes, eyes as wide as saucers. that is the first time kun curses, and he feels honored to be the one who hears that. kun grins wide at him, index finger in front of his mouth, signaling he should keep it as a secret between both of them. mark can't help but giggles until tears formed on the corner of his eyes.

"so? let's do it?"

"let's get it, hyung."

kun pumps his fist into the air, then he snatches out his phone and contacts their friends. he snorts when donghyuck whines about how easy it is for kun to persuade mark, while the others and him got a really hard time dealing with the stubborn mark lee.

"that's really _unfair_ , hyung. you better watch it, you won't be included in my list of closest friends after this."

"you've said that like, hundreds of times since we were kindergarten, hyuck. but you still went to me to whine about that small crush you had on—"

"nope, no, we're not gonna talk about _that_ ever again. you win, mark lee. i can't seem to win every time we argue, and i despise that."

"of course I'll always win. you love me too much to beat me, right, hyuck?"

" _watch me_ beat your ass the next time we play mario karts."

the same light banters, the same happy laughs. it's always easy with his friends. they're always there for him, and he also tries to be there for them. the connections they have are close, so close it's pretty much inseparable. they plan about the confession, or _the taeyong-mark matchmaking mission_ as donghyuck oh so helpfully titled, until it's already 6 p.m. time always flies so fast if it's with them.

"you just need to prepare yourself, markie. don't forget, it's after school, rooftop."

mark nods, but hesitation still fills his heart. he knows he will get rejected, so he prepares his heart in case the rejection is too harsh. he tries finding a way to control his coughs, but even the thought of confessing to taeyong has him doubled over on the floor, wheezing and heaving blood stained white petals. in the end, winwin has to coax mark into sleep by cuddling him. in the silence, winwin hugs his younger friend a little bit tighter, smiling at the way mark cuddles closer to his chest. but then his smile changes, full of pain and hopelessness. he can only hope now.

hope for taeyong to feel the same way as his younger friend.

meanwhile, taeyong can't close his eyes that night. the thought of wide adorable eyes, scrunched up nose, high cheekbones, and seagull eyebrows can't seem to leave his mind alone. he groans, then he buries his face into his pillow. again, the image of sweet smile and addictive laugh fills his head, making his stomach jumps and his heart beats faster.

this is weird. he feels the need to have the boy in his arms, to kiss and praise the boy, to be the one who causes the younger to smile or laugh. the need to be together with the boy, mark lee, until the end of their life. then, he thinks. he thinks about the ugly feeling of jealousy he felt earlier that day. he thinks about how mark fit comfortably in his hold, how the sweet boy is just at the right size, height, and shape for him to hug. he thinks about what yukhei had said, about him hurting the boy.

lastly, he thinks about his feelings. the fast beats of his heart every time he thinks of mark, the giddiness coursing through his veins whenever he has the boy close to him, the way his heart skips a beat or two every time he smiles and laughs, _the fondness and the overflowing love he feels towards the boy_.

and it feels as if the clouds that have been covering his mind are cleared. the realization, followed by acceptance. he is in love with mark lee, a sweet boy as bright as the sun, as beautiful as the stars, as calming as the moon. a boy younger than him, but is wiser than him. a clumsy boy who is surrounded by an air of awkwardness, but caught the whole attention of the school populations. an imperfect boy, but perfect for him. he can't feel more relieved than this. he can finally understand why his eyes always had the ability to catch mark wherever he was. why he seemed to be always speechless near the boy. how his heart lurched painfully when he saw mark in yukhei's hold.

it's all crystal clear; his love and adoration for the boy. now, he just needs to confess, right? but the image of mark in between yukhei's bigger body and the wall bothers him. are they dating? from what taeyong saw, yukhei was about to kiss mark, and mark looked pretty much fine with that. but is he going to back down? no, never. he loves mark, he will at least try to confess to him. if he ends up getting rejected, at least he already tries. he won't make that as an excuse not to tell the boy about his feelings.

and so, the next day, taeyong stands in front of the school gate before the class starts. everyone watches him, curious and confused. it seems like taeyong is waiting for someone, and that thing alone shocks everyone.

a familiar laughter rings near him, turning his head to the direction. there, a cute boy with seagull eyebrows is laughing at whatever his friends- lee donghyuck, huang renjun, and zhong chenle say, holding his stomach with pink face. he is breathtakingly beautiful, with his sparkling eyes and wide smile, bottom lip bitten between his teeth to contain his laughter. they almost go past him, but Taeyong holds mark's wrist, effectively stopping them on their track and making them stare at him with curious eyes.

"mark– uh, can we meet up after school? just the two of us? please?"

mark blinked, and his cheeks turn pink. he opens his mouth only to close it again, then he clears his throat. he nods, seemingly unsure and nervous. the three boys beside him look at each other in concern, then the tanned boy– lee donghyuck, pulls mark's hand to usher him to class.

_something_ about mark seems off, but he doesn't know what.

he walks to his class with the younger boy in his thought, even unintentionally ignoring his friends. it makes two of his friends– yuta and jaehyun, notice taeyong's oddness.

"what's going on in his head, actually? he seems really out of it."

yuta grumbles, mouth forming a pout and eyebrows frowning. jaehyun shrugs, but his eyes continue to watch taeyong. he seems to have a lot of thoughts in his head, but jaehyun doesn't know about those thoughts. and not only taeyong, but yukhei's attitudes are also as weird. yuta sighs beside him, running his long fingers through his light brown hair in frustration.

"i feel so left out it's driving me crazy! but i hope it's nothing serious, though."

❀ ✿ ❀

the clock strikes 3 p.m., and the bells finally ring. everyone in the class groans in relief. but not mark. mark doesn't want the school to end yet, since he's still not prepared about his confession. his heart beats like crazy, and the thought of taeyong rejecting him makes him feel like throwing up more petals.

yukhei watches mark from his seat. he observes the way mark's feet can't stay still. he catches the way mark bites his fingernails, showing the boy's nervousness. he stares at the way mark bites his bottom lip, so hard it turns red and swollen. he watches mark, his longtime crush, with cracks on his heart, knowing that the boy will confess his pure love towards his best friend. sounds cliché, really.

he walks towards the nervous boy after the class is empty. he pulls the chair in front of him and sits there, staring at mark with longing. mark bites his fingernails again, and his eyes blink rapidly. he looks like he's on the verge of breaking down, so yukhei places one of his hand on top of mark's trembling hand, soothing him.

"don't worry, you will do just fine."

mark peeps through his eyelashes, tears of frustration and anxiety are gathering in the corner of his eyes. he takes a deep breathe only to cough up some red-stained white petals. yukhei froze, eyes burning straight into the stained petals. he gasps, eyes widening and breathing unstable.

"this is more serious than the last time i saw it, mark! come on, do this faster so you can end your suffering!"

yukhei forgets everything for a moment. he only thinks about mark's wellbeing. mark _can't_ die yet, he won't let the smaller boy die. he's still young, it will be really unfair if he dies because of this _supposed-to-be-fictional_ , _stupid_ _love disease_. he wants mark to reciprocate his feelings, yeah, but if mark suffers because he forces his feelings to mark, he won't be able to live peacefully. maybe he has been too selfish, so he has to sacrifice his feelings now, be selfless for once. after all, he loves mark too deeply to let him die. he's already so whipped for mark, and his love makes him try to let mark go, for mark's happiness and life. mark's feelings towards taeyong is pure, romantic love. he can't just allow those pure feelings to be left unsaid, okay?

so there mark is, standing with his jittery legs at the rooftop, hands shaking and eyes unfocused. he twists the fabric of his shirt, and he bites his bottom lip. waiting has never mark's favorite time, and this is not an exception. waiting when you have something important to expect is really torturous.

"mark."

mark turns his head, and his eyes clash with taeyong's sharp ones. he inhales harshly, the petals trying to find a way to come out again.

"t– taeyong hyung."

he curses at his stutter. now is not the right time to stutter. he braces himself, then he opens his mouth together with taeyong.

"i love you!"

they say in unison. taeyong's jaw drops, and mark gasps. doubts and hesitations fill his heart. lee taeyong is the school's prince, how can someone as perfect as him fall for him? is it some kind of _joke_? a _dare_? what if it's _not true_?

then he can feel it; the itch in his throat gets worse, and mark can't contain the petals from bubbling out anymore. he coughs, harsh and unstoppable, spilling out white petals and blood. his chests constrict painfully, and petals pour out of his mouth like a flower rain mixed with blood. blood stains drip out of his mouth, down his chin. then, he _falls_. his throat and lungs feel like burning, and tears fall down his cheeks. the pain is excruciating, filling up his body and leaving him breathless. he curls in extreme pain, hands gripping the fabric on his chest.

taeyong stands there, horror written in his face. blood-stained petals flew around him, blown by the wind. taeyong would say it looks pretty if it's not from mark's lungs. he runs, then he kneels down beside mark. his shaking hands catch mark's face, and his eyes scan the pale face in front of him.

"what– who– who is it, mark?! tell me _who is it_?!"

mark tries to control his labored breaths, eyes blinking fast and body trembling. he mouths a name, _his name_ , and it makes him feels like his soul is sucked out from his body. he caresses mark's cheeks, eyes filled with tears. he loves mark, he really is. but mark is _too doubtful,_ too uncertain about taeyong's feelings. he can't help but not believing what taeyong had said, he just can't. it's _impossible_ , too unlikely to happen for him.

but then taeyong kisses him, full of urgency and fear, and everything falls into the right places.

taeyong kisses him like tomorrow the sun won't shine, he kisses him like mark will disappear if he stops. he kisses mark like he means the world for him. _he kisses mark like he wants mark for the eternity_ , like he will never let him go. he kisses mark with _feelings_ , surely and passionately, with burning love and fear of letting go. he kisses mark, and the flower inside his lungs _disappear_ like it's never there from the very first place.

taeyong breaks their kiss, eyes burning into mark's eyes with fiery passion and unending love. then, he catches mark's lips again, but the pace has changed. it's slow and steady, like he's trying to pour out all of his love, and _the time feels like stopping_. mark kisses back with vigor, teeth biting softly and tongues licking deliberately. it's sweet and addictive, it leaves him wanting and searching for more. they break their kiss again, eyes staring straight into each other's.

" _i love you so much_. you mean the world for me. i don't know what's going to happen to me if i'm away from you ever again."

and mark tears up, happiness and relief come crashing down and forming tears. he hiccups as he hugs taeyong, fingers gripping the fabric covering taeyong's back in tight grips. he feels relieved, like a heavy weight has been lifted from his heart. he mumbles, the sentences repeated, but he means every words he says.

"i love you so much."

>   
>  𝙡𝙤𝙫𝙚 𝙞𝙨 𝙗𝙚𝙖𝙪𝙩𝙞𝙛𝙪𝙡, 𝙡𝙞𝙠𝙚 𝙖 𝙛𝙡𝙤𝙬𝙚𝙧.
> 
> 𝙞𝙛 𝙞 𝙬𝙚𝙧𝙚 𝙩𝙤 𝙙𝙚𝙨𝙘𝙧𝙞𝙗𝙚 𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙡𝙤𝙫𝙚 𝙞𝙣 𝙛𝙡𝙤𝙬𝙚𝙧, 𝙞𝙩 𝙬𝙤𝙪𝙡𝙙 𝙗𝙚 𝙚𝙙𝙚𝙡𝙬𝙚𝙞𝙨𝙨.
> 
> 𝙣𝙤𝙩 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙢𝙤𝙨𝙩 𝙗𝙚𝙖𝙪𝙩𝙞𝙛𝙪𝙡 𝙛𝙡𝙤𝙬𝙚𝙧, 𝙟𝙪𝙨𝙩 𝙡𝙞𝙠𝙚 𝙝𝙤𝙬 𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙡𝙤𝙫𝙚 𝙞𝙨 𝙣𝙤𝙩 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙢𝙤𝙨𝙩 𝙥𝙚𝙧𝙛𝙚𝙘𝙩.
> 
> 𝙗𝙪𝙩 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙛𝙡𝙤𝙬𝙚𝙧 𝙞𝙨 𝙨𝙩𝙧𝙤𝙣𝙜, 𝙟𝙪𝙨𝙩 𝙡𝙞𝙠𝙚 𝙪𝙨. 𝙜𝙤𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙩𝙝𝙧𝙤𝙪𝙜𝙝 𝙖𝙡𝙡 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙝𝙖𝙧𝙙𝙨𝙝𝙞𝙥𝙨, 𝙖𝙡𝙡 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙬𝙞𝙣𝙙 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙩𝙝𝙪𝙣𝙙𝙚𝙧 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙨𝙩𝙤𝙧𝙢.
> 
> 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙛𝙡𝙤𝙬𝙚𝙧 𝙞𝙨 𝙘𝙖𝙡𝙡𝙚𝙙 𝙚𝙩𝙚𝙧𝙣𝙖𝙡. 𝙟𝙪𝙨𝙩 𝙡𝙞𝙠𝙚 𝙝𝙤𝙬 𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙡𝙤𝙫𝙚 𝙞𝙨 𝙚𝙩𝙚𝙧𝙣𝙖𝙡.
> 
> 𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙡𝙤𝙫𝙚 𝙞𝙨 𝙗𝙚𝙖𝙪𝙩𝙞𝙛𝙪𝙡, 𝙥𝙪𝙧𝙞𝙩𝙮 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙨𝙞𝙣𝙘𝙚𝙧𝙞𝙩𝙮 𝙖𝙩 𝙞𝙩𝙨 𝙛𝙞𝙣𝙚𝙨𝙩.


End file.
